"I had the greatest dream about mom Sunday morning. It was what I have been waiting for since her death. I had set the alarm to get up at 6:30 and when it went off I hit the snooze button and drifted off again. I dreamed the kids and I had just come out of a large store, and Danny being Danny had hopped into the driver's seat and taken off with the kids in the Suburban leaving me to watch him drive across the large parking lot to a gas station on the far side of the lot. He doesn't pull up to the pumps, he stops as if he is waiting for a car in front of him to fill up but there is no car in front of him. As I walk across the parking lot I'm wondering what he is waiting for. The next thing I know, I am standing next to the Suburban, waiting for I don't know what, and I hear a voice next to me say "We're going to have to wait a long time." I remember wondering why because there was nobody in front of us, and at the same time I turned to say "What?" There stood your mom, smiling, and she repeated to me "We're going to have to wait a long time." Now I have to tell you that this seemed so incredibly real that I can't do justice trying to describe it. The clear blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the ambient sounds, smells, and every little detail told me this was real and actually happening to me. I was completely and totally convinced that the dream was my life and my life had been a dream, and because of that, I can't express how much joy and relief I felt at seeing her, being with her, hearing her voice, seeing her beautiful smile and the twinkle in her eye. I said, "Rochelle, I've had the most horrible dream. You were killed six or eight weeks ago, and everything has been just terrible." She listened to me talk and just patiently waited, smiling all the while. She looked so happy. She asked how she died and I couldn't exactly recall so I said she had been hit in the head. She laughed and asked "Then did somebody stab me in the back?" We laughed and I had no idea what she meant, but I didn't care, I was just so incredibly happy to be with her and have the nightmare over. We continued to talk but I can't remember about what. I remember holding her, looking closely at her face, her eyes, being so happy that she was so happy. It was all so perfect. Then doubt started to set in. It was much slower than in most of my dreams because I just did not want it to end, but as we talked, I couldn't help but question what was happening. It seemed to take forever to fade, but as it did I realized I was being given a chance to say goodbye. I held her, told her I loved her, and told her goodbye as the blue sky slowly faded to gray, then to black. As she faded away, she never stopped smiling, she always looked so happy. I remember the feeling of despair as I realized I was lying in my bed. I didn't want to open my eyes or acknowledge that I was back in reality. I finally rolled over to look at the clock. It was a few minutes after 7:00. I can't help but think this dream was an answer to my prayers. One of my biggest regrets has been that I never saw her the morning of the accident. I've wanted so badly to be able to say goodbye. Now I feel like I have, and I can let it go."
I still have a hard time imagining what it would be like to lose the love of your life. As a 17 year old boy I was so caught up in the changes that were going on in my life I'm not sure I ever really considered how hard it must have been for him.
I wrote the lyrics to Violent Visions in the days that followed.
Thanks for reading.
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