Happy Birthday, Lila

  A few months after Lila’s fourth birthday, she turned five years old. That might not make sense to a hardened and calloused adult like yourself but to a four-year-old, perfect sense. We were on a drive to a birthday dinner my family put on for me and she decided that it was actually her birthday too. She was very excited for her cake and presents. Eventually, she would concede that the gifts at the dinner weren’t for her, but for the next few months when asked for her age she was always five. 

Grandma Jill's birthday present

  Today Lila really would have turned five and I’m completely overwhelmed. I feel like I’ve misused that word a lot in my life. I’ve overused it in the same way most of us abuse words like awesome or... damn it. I shouldn’t use that word unless something has literally inspired awe. Otherwise, it becomes more difficult to articulate the difference between what a Cafe Rio burrito and a masterpiece of art can do for me. It’s not the same thing. 

Lila's 4th birthday

  I am genuinely overwhelmed. The best way to articulate what I’m feeling is by going “meta” and explaining to you that the very sentence you are now reading has taken me forty-five minutes to write. I’ve just been sitting and staring at this screen trying to think of a way to explain that thoughts of her take me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I get lost in those thoughts and I just want to stay there, even when it hurts, living in her memory. So, forty-five minutes pass as I sit and think about the times we went to the park and fed geese. That's all it takes. A simple memory that gives me so much joy and so much sadness at the same time that I just end up frozen, overloaded with emotion. It's difficult to get things done. It's difficult to continue writing this.  When I finally and able to regain composure, I reread this paragraph and critique it, “highest of highs, lowest of lows”? I’ve said that about Star Wars movies. It’s not the same. No, this is the real deal. This can be paralyzing. As if the ups and downs exhaust my brain and I turn into some kind of high functioning vegetable. I prefer this state the least. The times I just feel numb. Yes, the lows are difficult but I want to feel this. In some way, it feels like she lives on through these feelings and emotions like she’s not really gone because she still moves me. So, I’m overwhelmed. I’m buried in this. I can’t escape it and to be honest, I don’t really want to. Even reliving the saddest moments somehow keep her more alive.

April 9th, 2013

  I was terrified on April 9th, 2013. I became a dad and I had no idea how to do that kind of thing. I had an incredible example myself, but my dad was the real deal! He owned a home, a business, a degree… you know, dad stuff. I was renting a basement apartment from my best friends parents, trying to figure out how to be a musician while working odd jobs and had zero intention to finish school. When she was born I was far from dad material and I knew things had to change. 

  As a kid, I remember how much I wanted my dad to be proud of me. So much of who I am is a result of me just trying to make that guy proud. What I didn’t know was that Lila would invoke that same feeling but on a new level. It was as if my new life goal was to hear a toddler say, “I’m proud of you.” Maybe odd but honest. I just wanted Lila to be proud of me. 

  So, I went back to school. That was intense. I had to quit a great job because classes weren’t offered at night. I knew I had to think long-term and getting a degree seemed like the right dad move so I picked up a few serving jobs and drove for a taxi service while I went through four straight semesters of 18+ credit hours. When the aforementioned basement apartment I had been living in became unavailable, (The owners sold the house and moved to Belize, thanks for letting me live in your basement Steve and Bobby!)  I decided that moving into my own place might put me in a tough spot because my job wasn’t steady and I was spending a lot of time in the math lab (many  people need three tries to pass Math 1050!) so I decided to move into my car. I removed the front passenger seat, laid down some cushions and called my Hyundai Sonata home. To preemptively answer a few questions you might have; I showered at the gym, ate corn dogs from the gas station, and yes, sometimes it was a little scary at night. No, Lila and I never hung out at my “place” but we loved visiting family and friends and geese from the pound whenever she was with me. I must say that I didn’t love reinstalling the front passenger seat every time I went to pick her up but I did it anyway because she was young and just learning how to speak, I didn’t want her to confuse the words house and car. A common mistake in these kinds of situations.

  While my day job and school life were doing their thing, I was also trying to figure music out. Some great opportunities were coming my way but I wanted to be realistic. I was learning how difficult this lifestyle could be and had to do some soul searching to figure out if it was time to let the dream go and settle into something more secure. Something that would make life easy. After a lot of conversation and self-reflection I knew that if I quit, I would always ask “What if…”. I asked myself if I give up my dream this early, will she give up hers?  I decided to keep pushing and became obsessed with pursuing my career in the most responsible way possible. I was inspired by Neil Degrasse Tyson after listening to an interview in which he talked about only sleeping for four hours a night because it allowed him to get more things done in a day. Genius. For the next year while I was finishing school I would start the day at 4 AM and crawl into bed at midnight. Writing, rehearsal, school, day job, recording, sleep. I tried really hard. I really wanted her to be proud of me. 

  Lila gave me purpose, or probably better said, she was my purpose. She was my reason. Everything was for her.  After the accident, I knew what it meant to really lose one’s purpose. The core of everything I had been working for was gone. I found myself asking for the first time if any of this was worth it. I’ve spent the last six months trying to figure that out. I know it will take time and patience from those closest to me but know that I am grateful for the times you have to carry me through some of this mess. 

Lila's 5th birthday (my birthday)

I must say now, I’m hopeful for the future and I feel a lot of gratitude. I’m grateful to my family.  They continue to teach me what unconditional love really looks like. I’m grateful to my best friends and bandmates and to their families for all the support you’ve been to me. I’m grateful to my girlfriend, Ali. She loved Lila so much and I know it hasn’t been easy for her as she’s been deployed in Afghanistan for most of 2018. I wish I could be with her today. I’m grateful to so many friends, some who I see far too infrequently. Many of you have helped and provided me sources of inspiration I’ve desperately needed and I hope to be able to share those experiences and thank you all in person someday.

Even though she’s gone, after all that I’ve said here, I’m beginning to understand that she will continue to and always will inspire me. Her memory is all I can carry with me and I want to be better about talking about her and sharing her life. I find myself hesitating to bring her up or talk about her because I’m afraid that I might usher in some kind of unsolicited sadness to a conversation… isn’t that a silly way to think? I know it is, but I can’t help but stay quiet most times something reminds me of her or I need to talk about her. I don’t want to do that. I developed a similar habit of not talking about my mom for similar reasons and it’s a habit I would like to break. I guess that’s the reason I sat down to write this today. I needed to talk about her and just express gratitude for everything she is in my life. I’ll love her forever.

Lila's 3rd birthday

Happy Birthday, Lila.

Forever yours,

Dad

P.S. We wrote this song for you. I'll tell you more about it soon - Lila's Song

Lila

She would do this to me on my worst days. The rest of my life could be burning in the background but the sound of her big little feet running to answer my knock at the door would heal anything.

I would reach down to hug her and she would grab my hand and try racing me inside to show me her obsession. I always pulled her back in for a hug and when I’d let her go she would (sometimes) patiently ask if we could go now.

I will forever be “it,” as she went 1,027 and 0 in four years of tag. Her endurance was unforgiving. Lila was also a formidable hide-and-seek opponent, though I think I may have found her here.

Lila wasn’t always the biggest fan of my music. Playing any instrument or any kind of singing was grounds for discipline. She loved the classics like “Wheels on the Bus” but was very particular of who sang and when. Over the past year it was relieving to see her loosen up her very strict standards and (try to) sing along to new songs I was working on. She was singing this one a few weeks ago with confidence until her camera shyness kicked in.

It’s hard to know what someone will be when they grow-up but if Lila had it her way she would have been a combination of astronomer, archaeologist, astronaut, ballerina, musician, and track star. I’ve had five or six different jobs in my lifetime so who’s to say her goals were too lofty? NASA would have been lucky to have her.

Last year Lila had a Christmas Pageant at her preschool and she was really into it. So much so that the teachers asked her to stop dancing because it wasn’t part of the performance. Being that she was a three-year-old and talent scouts from America’s Got Talent weren’t in the audience, I wanted to find the teacher and suggest they not stifle my daughter's creativity... but Lila grabbed my hand before I could find the teacher and wanted to make silly faces for the camera so I was robbed of a zealous parenting opportunity. Thank you, Lila.

This is Lila trying to catch her shadow.

Lila was really competitive. Running races, tag, hide-and-seek…debates... dance offs…

When Lila was born I decided I would go back and finish school. Life was really heavy working two jobs, going to school full time, and trying to start over again with my music. At the time I had just started working on a new project that would eventually turn into Strange Familia. The first verses of our first song Odes are about Lila. “I have come too far to give up on the only thing I’ve ever really loved / Won’t give up on the only one I’ve ever really loved” I’ve listened to Odes a few times since the accident and for the first time it felt empty to me. Before Lila I was directionless, just kind of floating by. She gave me reason to care about the future and a desire to do something more with my life. Over the past few days I’ve had moments asking myself why or how I could keep going when my reason for it all is gone. I’ve never felt purpose leave me like this before.

I have been comforted with the love and support I’ve received from family and friends these past few days. I don’t like to think about where I might be without many of you. The second half of Odes was written about those who’ve helped me through the hard parts of life and and as many of you have been there for me in the past, you have been here for me now. Thank you.

When we were recording the Strange Familia record we weren’t sure if we should include Odes as it had already been released the year before. It was such an important song to us that we decided it needed a home in an album. We re recorded the song and added a few extra pieces. If you listen closely to the album version, you can hear Lila in the first instrumental break. Her voice pulled from the videos below. Right next to Lila’s voice in the song is my mom’s voice, pulled from her answering machine after her accident years ago. Together forever.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am to everyone who’s reached out or donated to Lila’s funeral costs and Alexa’s medical bills. That’s not hyperbole. I don’t know how I could ever thank you. The best I’ll be able to do is share reminders of her. We had four beautiful years with her and I have a lot of pictures and video that I hope will make you smile the same way she made me smile and will continue to make me smile.

With love,

- Daddy

The funeral services will be held on Friday, October 20th, 2017 at 11:00 am. A viewing will be held from 9:30 am-10:45 am, prior to the funeral. Both the funeral and viewing will be held at the Draper Utah Meadows Stake Center located at 575 East 13800 South, Draper, Utah. Interment will be in the Willard City Cemetery.

Violent Visions

My family was gathered around my mom's headstone at Larkin Cemetery last mothers day. We were all sharing some of our favorite "mom" stories. My older brother Ben brought up an email that he had received from my dad in September of 2004 about 6 months after my mom had passed. He handed me a printed copy of the email and I took it home to read later that night. After nine years I thought that I had heard all of the stories. This one was new to me. 


"I had the greatest dream about mom Sunday morning. It was what I have been waiting for since her death. I had set the alarm to get up at 6:30 and when it went off I hit the snooze button and drifted off again. I dreamed the kids and I had just come out of a large store, and Danny being Danny had hopped into the driver's seat and taken off with the kids in the Suburban leaving me to watch him drive across the large parking lot to a gas station on the far side of the lot. He doesn't pull up to the pumps, he stops as if he is waiting for a car in front of him to fill up but there is no car in front of him. As I walk across the parking lot I'm wondering what he is waiting for. The next thing I know, I am standing next to the Suburban, waiting for I don't know what, and I hear a voice next to me say "We're going to have to wait a long time." I remember wondering why because there was nobody in front of us, and at the same time I turned to say "What?" There stood your mom, smiling, and she repeated to me "We're going to have to wait a long time." Now I have to tell you that this seemed so incredibly real that I can't do justice trying to describe it. The clear blue sky, the warmth of the sun, the ambient sounds, smells, and every little detail told me this was real and actually happening to me. I was completely and totally convinced that the dream was my life and my life had been a dream, and because of that, I can't express how much joy and relief I felt at seeing her, being with her, hearing her voice, seeing her beautiful smile and the twinkle in her eye. I said, "Rochelle, I've had the most horrible dream. You were killed six or eight weeks ago, and everything has been just terrible." She listened to me talk and just patiently waited, smiling all the while. She looked so happy. She asked how she died and I couldn't exactly recall so I said she had been hit in the head. She laughed and asked "Then did somebody stab me in the back?" We laughed and I had no idea what she meant, but I didn't care, I was just so incredibly happy to be with her and have the nightmare over. We continued to talk but I can't remember about what. I remember holding her, looking closely at her face, her eyes, being so happy that she was so happy. It was all so perfect. Then doubt started to set in. It was much slower than in most of my dreams because I just did not want it to end, but as we talked, I couldn't help but question what was happening. It seemed to take forever to fade, but as it did I realized I was being given a chance to say goodbye. I held her, told her I loved her, and told her goodbye as the blue sky slowly faded to gray, then to black. As she faded away, she never stopped smiling, she always looked so happy. I remember the feeling of despair as I realized I was lying in my bed. I didn't want to open my eyes or acknowledge that I was back in reality. I finally rolled over to look at the clock. It was a few minutes after 7:00. I can't help but think this dream was an answer to my prayers. One of my biggest regrets has been that I never saw her the morning of the accident. I've wanted so badly to be able to say goodbye. Now I feel like I have, and I can let it go."

I still have a hard time imagining what it would be like to lose the love of your life. As a 17 year old boy I was so caught up in the changes that were going on in my life I'm not sure I ever really considered how hard it must have been for him. 

I wrote the lyrics to Violent Visions in the days that followed.

Thanks for reading.